Can You Hear Me Now? Can You Hear Me Now??

Since beginning this new journey in my life, it would be safe to say that I have become a different person. In many ways this has been a good thing, but it also comes with its downfalls. I would be lying if I said that I wasn't bitter or angry. I am, and as hard as I try to focus on the positive things in my life and all that I have been blessed with, I still have my fair share of meltdowns. Although they are not nearly as frequent as they once were, they do still occur.

When I am surrounded by the sounds of crying and fighting children in my house and I find myself losing my temper with them, I get angry. All I ever wanted in my life was to have a family and be a stay-at-home mom and until a couple of years ago, that was something that I was able to do and it brought me great joy. But after my husband left, he took a lot of that joy with him. What I was left with was an overwhelming amount of stress and as a consequence, I don't find myself enjoying staying at home the way I used to. More than anything, this makes me sad because I am painfully aware that my children are the ones who are most affected by this.

On top of my anger, is the bitterness that I feel about the fact that I can no longer stay at home with my kids the way I wanted to. I have headed back to school as a means to prolong my return to work, but that has mostly just added to my stress level. I have never liked school and have never hesitated to let it be known that I am not happy about being in school now. It is a simple case of me doing whatever I have to so that I can give my kids what I believe that they deserve. I have gradually come to terms with this and I do recognize that it is for the best (I have always been pretty good at seeing the big picture), but that doesn't mean I like it!

These are probably my two big trigger points when it comes to my occasional meltdowns, but the blanket that rests above all of it is my sense of loneliness. There is not a day that goes by that I don't miss having someone to share my everyday with. It is not that I am missing my husband particularly (although sometimes I do miss the person he once was), I just miss having someone. Parenthood is a little less stressful and much more fun when you have someone to share it with. Tonight I was reminded of this as I sat in my living room and sobbed over my children's' lack of concern for me. After explaining to the kids that I needed help finding something that was very important to me, all they could manage was the defensive "it wasn't me". Of course, I understand that they are children and it is in their young nature to be somewhat self-centered. They are kids, it isn't their job to be concerned about my lost things. And with that understanding in my mind, all I could do was cry. I just want someone to hear me and to be concerned for me. My world can be crashing down around me and my kids won't have a clue, because that is how it should be. I have very intentionally made it that way. But that doesn't mean that I don't wish that just someone might notice. I really do feel like that Verizon guy,you know the one..."Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now?"