Will It Ever End??

So since our return from what my kids like to refer to as "the longest vacation ever", we have been quite busy. This is my feeble attempt at excusing my lack of writing...is it working?? But in all seriousness, I just haven't had the time.

To begin with, our return from vacation left us with less than a week of summer before the kids would return to school. Our favorite summer activity this year was spending the day at the local water park. With school starting, the water park would close and so my mission for the five days that remained was simple. Go to the water park every day...no matter what and no matter how long. We had a pool pass to use up and I was determined to do so! In addition to spending our days at the water park, we also had lots of other things to get done. We returned to a house with no food and also still needed to go get all of Quentin and Camille's school supplies. Between all of these things, well, that whole week is pretty much a blur.

Add to all of this, transition. Something that my kids have never really been very good at. Trying to get them back into a reasonable schedule for school is not an easy task, it never has been. Camille definitely struggles the most with it, but overall it is just hard on all three of them. This year, Quentin started 3rd grade and Camille started 1st...can that be right?? Man, they are just growing up so fast! So far, they are both very happy with school. They have always enjoyed school and I hope that is something that will never change. School actually seems to have become the constant in their life that grounds them when everything else in life is too much to handle. I really hate that because I so badly want that constant to be me, but with the turn that our life has taken, I have accepted it. And really, there are worse things...right? My time will come, but right now I think that they associate me with some of the bad stuff that has happened to them and so I can't be that constant. Not that they ONLY associate me with the bad stuff, but I am a part of it.

Bad stuff, oh yes, the bad stuff. That stuff that never seems to go away...all of the drama. I am so sick of it! So, another thing that has always made this time of year difficult for my kids is the fact that it marks the beginning of the football season. For them, this means the disappearance of their father. This is not something that they handle very well. Each year I think that it will get a little easier, but it never really does. In fact, since He left, it actually seems to have gotten worse. Last year was the first summer that He was gone and although he didn't see them much, he did manage to make time for them here and there during training camp. Some days he might pick them up for a quick lunch and other days he might have a couple of free hours that he would spend with them. This year, however, they didn't see Him at all. In fact, between the first of the month when we left for our vacation and the 23rd, the kids saw their dad ONE time. That was when he came to walk them to school for their first day. Once, that's it. For me this was a nice break, but it also meant a constant fielding of the "when will I see my daddy" questions...to which I have no answer. When we were married and the kids had these questions, I always had an answer for them. I was very good at making excuses for Him and making them think that it was okay for their daddy to be gone all the time. But I am not his wife anymore and that is not my responsibility. So I did not talk to Him during this time and I decided that this is something that he will need to figure out on his own and if he fails, then so be it. This all came to an end, however, after Quentin came to me one night with a letter. A letter to me with instructions telling me to read and practice the words that he had written before the next time that they saw their dad. According to this letter, I was supposed to ask my ex to marry me again and then proceed to kiss him and hug him. What ensued after the reading of my letter very much resembled that night that I remember so well when I first told Quentin and the girls that their dad was not going to live with us anymore. There were a lot of questions, a lot of begging, a lot of explaining, and a lot of crying. I was totally caught off guard and I knew that this would also mean that I was going to have to finally say something to Him about his absence. And what did this mean for me? Yep, more drama.

The following day we had a conversation. Not a friendly one, but effective none the less. Sometimes people just need to be told when they are failing miserably at something, even though it isn't what they want to hear. I left the conversation feeling very satisfied. I just can't speak enough to the importance of speaking your mind and standing up for yourself. The feeling of empowerment that that gives me is part of what gets me through all of this mess. But still I wonder, will it ever end? Will there ever come a day when we can live a "normal" life without all of this drama? I certainly hope so. I long for that day and rely on the belief that it will come to get me through.

Some Water Park Fun...



Quentin and Camille's First Day of School...

We Are Family

Well, it has been a total whirlwind since we arrived home from our vacation. I have been wanting to blog, but just have not been able to find the time. And by the time I do, I can't find the energy. It is enough to make me wish that we were still on vacation!!

Since returning from our trip, I have found myself doing a lot of reflecting. Thinking about family and its many meanings. What a family looks like and what makes a family a family. There are many definitions for the word and not one of them is similar in any way, but when it comes down to it, I guess that is the best thing about family. A family has no boundaries and cannot be easily defined by a bloodline. I feel blessed that my kids had the opportunity to see this first-hand during our vacation and, more than that, they recognized it.

My kids have always been very aware of different skin colors. I don't know if this is normal for children who grow up in a bi-racial family, but it has always been normal for us. Daddy is dark brown and they are light brown and Mommy is white. Because this is something that they have always seemed intrigued by, I have embraced it and have always tried to use it as a teaching tool. So, it was no surprise to me when the kids pointed out, more than once, that I didn't "fit in" while we were in Louisiana. These moments made for great conversations between us and by the end of our time in Louisiana, the kids began pointing out moments that we shared that made them feel like we were a part of the family instead. The family that we now affectionately refer to as our "Louisiana Family". By the end of our vacation, the kids were explaining to me the fact that skin color has nothing to do with being a family. They could actually SEE the love that this family had for us, making them feel like we belonged regardless of our differences and the fact that we aren't even related. I loved watching this evolution of understanding for them.

When all was said and done, our vacation was a complete success. I couldn't have asked for more. The kids did great in the car throughout our combined 30 hours of driving, which means that the fighting was kept to a minimum and so was my yelling (yes, I am a yeller). This trip was exactly what we needed. A break from the norm and time for us to connect as a family. I think it is safe to say that a good time was had by all of us. We had fun, were surrounded by family, and learned a little along the way. So what is a family? A family is love.

"The love of a family is life's greatest blessing."-anonymous

___Quentin begins his NFL stadium tour at Cowboy's Stadium__

_____________Fort Worth Texas Stockyards_____________

_______Stadium Stop #2...The Superdome in New Orleans_____

_______________New Orleans with the Family____________

___________________Jackie and the Kids________________

VACATION!!!!!

I did it. I took what I believe is one of the biggest challenges for a single parent of multiple children and I have conquered it...well, so far. Vacation. I mean a real vacation. A pack your bags and drive across the country in a car with no DVD player kind of vacation.

I have been looking forward for this vacation for months now and as the time grew closer, my vacation grew too. It started off as a single destination trip, but is ending up with multiple destinations. In fact, we are still on vacation right now. I was looking forward to this trip for a number of reasons. Of course, there was the obvious opportunity to get away from life, which is what most vacations are. I was also very excited to be able to see friends that I hadn't seen in years. But mostly for me it was a challenge and a chance to prove that I could do something like this by myself with the kids. Not that I really felt like I had anyone to prove it to, just myself. That changed though, as our vacation drew near and my ex caught wind of our impending vacation. I hadn't shared with him any information about the trip that I was planning. Especially with the turn of events over the summer, I didn't feel like I should have to share the details of our life with him or get his permission, and I really didn't want him to have the privilege of knowing. But, of course the kids were excited and the news got out. When he finally said something to me about it, he asked me why I was taking this trip by myself. This infuriated me and the response that I gave him, I should not repeat. I felt like he was questioning my parenting and was implying that this was something that I was not capable of doing by myself. More than anything, it was the tone in which he asked the question. So, now I did have something to prove.

So let me tell you briefly about our trip. We left on Monday and headed south for Arlington, Texas. We enjoyed an uneventful 9 hour drive in the car in which we only stopped to use the bathroom and the kids did GREAT! I was very pleasantly surprised, especially since I was prepared for the worst. In Arlington, we stayed with one of my old roommates and best friends from college. It was wonderful to see her and her family and to be able to spend a few days there. She was a great hostess and kept the kids just busy enough that they were entertained. I would have been happy just sitting and visiting at home. Pictures will follow in a few days with more details of our adventure. Thursday morning, we left Arlington and headed off to our second destination, Baton Rouge, Louisianna. This is where I am now. Here, we are visiting the family of my ex-boyfriend from high school. I know that sounds strange, but I have always remained close with his family. This is one of those trips that I could have never made while married to my husband...talk about awkward. Even though I know they would have welcomed him because of the love that they have for me, he would have never wanted to come. So, now we are going to bask in the love of my Louisianna family for several days.

That's it in a nutshell. So now, as I type this, I am watching my children sleep off some of the exhaustion that they have incurred over the past week. Wonderful exhaustion. It is so great to see them getting an escape from the reality of their lives, as I am all too aware that it is not just me that has to deal with everything. It is OUR struggle, not mine. Right now they are happy, excited to see what comes next, and exhausted. Sure signs of success. Yes, I did it!