Will It Ever End??

So since our return from what my kids like to refer to as "the longest vacation ever", we have been quite busy. This is my feeble attempt at excusing my lack of writing...is it working?? But in all seriousness, I just haven't had the time.

To begin with, our return from vacation left us with less than a week of summer before the kids would return to school. Our favorite summer activity this year was spending the day at the local water park. With school starting, the water park would close and so my mission for the five days that remained was simple. Go to the water park every day...no matter what and no matter how long. We had a pool pass to use up and I was determined to do so! In addition to spending our days at the water park, we also had lots of other things to get done. We returned to a house with no food and also still needed to go get all of Quentin and Camille's school supplies. Between all of these things, well, that whole week is pretty much a blur.

Add to all of this, transition. Something that my kids have never really been very good at. Trying to get them back into a reasonable schedule for school is not an easy task, it never has been. Camille definitely struggles the most with it, but overall it is just hard on all three of them. This year, Quentin started 3rd grade and Camille started 1st...can that be right?? Man, they are just growing up so fast! So far, they are both very happy with school. They have always enjoyed school and I hope that is something that will never change. School actually seems to have become the constant in their life that grounds them when everything else in life is too much to handle. I really hate that because I so badly want that constant to be me, but with the turn that our life has taken, I have accepted it. And really, there are worse things...right? My time will come, but right now I think that they associate me with some of the bad stuff that has happened to them and so I can't be that constant. Not that they ONLY associate me with the bad stuff, but I am a part of it.

Bad stuff, oh yes, the bad stuff. That stuff that never seems to go away...all of the drama. I am so sick of it! So, another thing that has always made this time of year difficult for my kids is the fact that it marks the beginning of the football season. For them, this means the disappearance of their father. This is not something that they handle very well. Each year I think that it will get a little easier, but it never really does. In fact, since He left, it actually seems to have gotten worse. Last year was the first summer that He was gone and although he didn't see them much, he did manage to make time for them here and there during training camp. Some days he might pick them up for a quick lunch and other days he might have a couple of free hours that he would spend with them. This year, however, they didn't see Him at all. In fact, between the first of the month when we left for our vacation and the 23rd, the kids saw their dad ONE time. That was when he came to walk them to school for their first day. Once, that's it. For me this was a nice break, but it also meant a constant fielding of the "when will I see my daddy" questions...to which I have no answer. When we were married and the kids had these questions, I always had an answer for them. I was very good at making excuses for Him and making them think that it was okay for their daddy to be gone all the time. But I am not his wife anymore and that is not my responsibility. So I did not talk to Him during this time and I decided that this is something that he will need to figure out on his own and if he fails, then so be it. This all came to an end, however, after Quentin came to me one night with a letter. A letter to me with instructions telling me to read and practice the words that he had written before the next time that they saw their dad. According to this letter, I was supposed to ask my ex to marry me again and then proceed to kiss him and hug him. What ensued after the reading of my letter very much resembled that night that I remember so well when I first told Quentin and the girls that their dad was not going to live with us anymore. There were a lot of questions, a lot of begging, a lot of explaining, and a lot of crying. I was totally caught off guard and I knew that this would also mean that I was going to have to finally say something to Him about his absence. And what did this mean for me? Yep, more drama.

The following day we had a conversation. Not a friendly one, but effective none the less. Sometimes people just need to be told when they are failing miserably at something, even though it isn't what they want to hear. I left the conversation feeling very satisfied. I just can't speak enough to the importance of speaking your mind and standing up for yourself. The feeling of empowerment that that gives me is part of what gets me through all of this mess. But still I wonder, will it ever end? Will there ever come a day when we can live a "normal" life without all of this drama? I certainly hope so. I long for that day and rely on the belief that it will come to get me through.

Some Water Park Fun...



Quentin and Camille's First Day of School...