In And Out

It has been so long since I have put my thoughts and feelings and life into words, and I must say that I have missed it terribly. This whole writing thing truly is my therapy. It’s the one thing that seems to soothe my soul when I can’t seem to find any peace in my thoughts. I have spent much of this time away moving in and out of new experiences in my life, on the road to wherever I am supposed to be going (and only God knows where that is).

 Over the past year and a half I have found myself in and out of school, love, loneliness, and my comfort zone. I have done my best to break down the walls that I have inevitably built up around myself during the collapse of my marriage. I didn’t realize just how big those walls were until I actually found love again. To open myself up to being completely vulnerable and trusting someone again was a lot harder than I had ever expected it to be. In the end I was disappointed and hurt all over again, but with that glimpse of possibility came hope. Hope that there is someone out there who will want to share this life with me and will love me through my walls, for all of my flaws, and will want to be a part of this family with me. I have tried to step out of the box, leave my comfort zone, and feel more than think (which has never been a strong suite for me). So much of my life has been spent trying to do the right thing. But I am starting to think that maybe life isn’t just about doing the right thing. Maybe sometimes you need to do what feels good and not worry so much about whether or not it is right. I think that is what people call “taking chances” and I can’t say that I have ever been much of a risk-taker. It’s a scary thing, taking chances, but it’s kinda fun too…and I could use a little fun!

 More than anything, I have tried to forgive and move on and appreciate all of the wonderful things about my life instead of dwelling on the stuff that I really have no control over. I have embraced my strength and have become confident in myself in a way that I have never been before. My own strength and resilience amazes me. The truth is, it was always there. I just never took the time to recognize it or to put it to good use. I believe it is something that is in all of us. It is our God given gift. People say to me all the time that they don’t know how I do it; how I survived my divorce and continue to help my children through it, how I went to school and got my masters degree as a single mother of three, or even simply how I work full time as a single parent with three young children. The answer is simple. I do it because I have no other choice and I do it the best that I can. It’s not always pretty, but I get it done. A lot of people do. Millions of women do what I do every day. That doesn’t make me any less strong or resilient; it just means that I’m not alone. But then again, I already knew that. I am never really alone. For as lonely as I may feel, I am surrounded by people who love and support me. I always have been and know I always will be.

I look forward to catching up and sharing some of the ins and outs of my journey over the past year and a half. Let’s just say I was stuck in traffic…I think it is time to take the next exit and get moving again!