NO VACANCY

I’m not exactly sure what it is about this time of year.  It might be that it marks the anniversary of when I was married (one of the happier times of my life), or that it marks the anniversary of the exhausting period of time when I had to dig my feet in and literally fight for my marriage (one of the worst times of my life).  It might have something to do with the fact that this is a time when, inevitably, I help my children to cope with some disappointment brought on by their dad.  Or it may just be the simple fact that I go to ball game after ball game and cheer for my kids alone, while their dad has the luxury of sharing that experience with someone.  Whatever it is, I seem to do a lot of looking back in the rear view mirror during these summer months and thinking about the “what-ifs” of my life.  What-ifs can be pretty depressing, so I do try to minimize them as much as possible.  But, everyone needs a little pity-party once in a while…right?!

Ten years ago, I remember being in the hospital room with my husband holding our first-born son.  In the quiet of that moment, I remember telling him that we could have no regrets after that moment because without those regrets we wouldn’t have had that precious baby.  He cried when I told him that, and looking back now, I am sure it had something to do with the amount of guilt and regret that weighed so heavily on his heart that he was too afraid to share with me.  But since that day, I have held to the belief that life should be lived without regret.  That everything in our life happens for a reason, the good and the bad.  The good things are great, but the bad things are life’s lessons that make us into the person that we are becoming.  I don’t know for sure where this thought came from or when I started believing it, but I think it probably comes from an underlying faith that I have always had.  I have never considered myself to be a religious person (whatever that means), but I think that I have always been a woman of faith.  I grew up going to church and being involved in the church all through school, but when I went away to college that all ended.  My ex did not and would not go to church with me and, for some reason, I just could not bring myself to go alone…so I didn’t.  When he left us, I felt lost and alone and found myself crying and praying a lot.  Although it was something that I hadn’t done in a very long time, my prayers came easily and brought me comfort.  They brought me back to where I needed to be.  In all of my despair, I knew that He was listening and that he loved me.

Over the past year, I have thought a lot about this idea of living without regret.  I have found a sense of peace in knowing that God has a plan for me, and this is all part of it.  Do I like this plan?  Not all the time, no.  It is hard to like something that leaves you with heartbroken kids and feeling alone.  But, I believe that in the grand scheme of things, He has something much better in store for me than anything that I have experienced so far.  I don’t know that I would be able to throw up the “no vacancy” sign to regret so easily if it weren’t for my children and for that, I will always be grateful to my ex.  What-ifs…yep, they are gonna be there.  But there is no room for regrets here.  I will never regret anything that got me to where I am today and I know, as I continue to travel forward, that I can only regret what I do not do.