Lessons In Single Parenting...Self-Restraint

So there are a lot of learning curves that I have gone through in the the past couple of years, as I have transitioned into the role of the single parent. There are many unique challenges that come with watching the father of your children walk away from his family while he moves onto bigger and better things (or so he thinks). The thing is that while I see it for what it is, I don't think the kids do, and my goal has been to keep it that way for as long as possible. This in itself is becoming more and more difficult and I really don't know how long I will be able to continue. You see, I am a mama bear. Mess with my babies and you mess with me. So what do you do when the one messing with your babies is their own father??

Rule number one in single parenting has to be self-restraint. This includes keeping your mouth shut when all you want to do is tell your kids what you really think of Daddy's friend. It means not telling the kids what you really think of the Daddy that they cry for whenever they are upset. Sometimes it even means being nice to your ex when all you really want to do is beat the crap out of him (sorry, I'm just being honest). Fortunately, for the most part, I have found self-restraint to be something that I am really good at. I say for the most part because I think everyone must have those moments when you just can't take it anymore and you have to get that one dig in, and I have had a few of those moments.

One of the hard things about this self-restraint thing for me is that I feel like I am being dishonest with my kids. It is a fine line that I walk between doing the right thing and lying. I mean, what am I supposed to say when the kids ask me why me and Daddy aren't going to get married again? Or, do I know Daddy's friend and am I friends with her too? It is easy to give the honest answer initially, but anyone who knows kids knows that it never stops with that one question. And let's face it, my follow up answers are just not meant for children's ears! All I can do is hope that I am right; that I am doing the right thing and when the kids are old enough to understand, they will appreciate the way that I have handled everything. I hope that I am right.

Another hard thing about self-restraint for me is maintaining the ability to stand up for myself. In the beginning, I thought that self-restraint meant being quiet and keeping the peace. Avoiding confrontations. However, I have come to realize that I was wrong. Avoiding confrontations doesn't do anyone any favors. It is actually a disservice to not only me, but my kids too. As a college student studying to be a special education teacher, I spent a lot of time learning about the importance of the parent's role as an advocate for their child. I figured it was only common sense that a parent would look out for the best interest of their child. The thing is, if you are lucky as a parent then you don't have to play the advocate role very often, needing to actually fight for what is in the best interest of your child. But not all of us are that lucky and lately I feel like that is all I do, which can make for a lot of confrontations.

Today will be no different. I went to bed last night knowing that when I woke up, there would be an inevitable confrontation (which will require a lot of self-restraint) and as frustrating at it may be, I know it is what is best. My kids are worth it. Hopefully, the need for me to practice the art of self-restraint, and all that it implies, will gradually diminish. Until then, I will gladly maintain my role as Mama Bear.
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