Quiet Nights

My kids have never been good sleepers. Bedtime around here has always been a chore, no matter what I tried. When Quentin was a toddler we actually resorted to locking him in his room because even after three hours, he was still coming out of his room and not going to sleep. Camille still likes to get out of bed over and over again in the middle of the night, trying to sneak into my bed, and Zoe does all of the above. This has always been exhausting, but even more so now that I have been left to fight the battles alone. So when I have nights to myself, as I do tonight, I almost don't know what to do. The peace and quiet is something that I have come to both savor and resent.

I think that any single parent that you meet would tell you that while they love their children, they love the times that they are able to get a break from them just as much. I didn't really understand this when I was married. Back then, I very rarely got any kind of break and if I did, it was something as simple as a trip alone to the grocery store and that was enough for me. I couldn't understand why anyone would need an entire weekend, like many single parents get. But now I do. The difference? Companionship. It is amazing what a difference a partner makes. Having someone to share the funny moments, the not-so-funny moments, and even the exhausting moments with. I think these are the things that most parents take for granted; I know I did.

So while I enjoy getting a full night of uninterrupted sleep, the quiet evenings are stark reminders of just how lonely I am. Is this really what my life has come to? Is this what the future holds for me? Nights spent at home alone, watching movies, eating my meal for one and talking to myself (that's right, I said it, I talk to myself). I certainly hope not. I didn't get to this point in my life so that I could spend it alone. I don't want to be alone. I want someone to share these quiet nights with me. All of my well-intentioned friends and family assure me that I won't always be alone but, to be honest, that is pretty hard to imagine at this point in my life. All I can say is, "I hope they're right". Otherwise, I might have to get a dog!!