So, why am I frustrated? Well, I would have blogged about it sooner, but I just haven't even had the time to sit and blog...frustrating!! There are so many things that I have been feeling frustrated about over the past month. Things just don't seem to be going my way and that frustrates me. I am a planner; if I don't have a plan, then I feel like I don't have control. And these days, I feel this serious need to be in control. I think that comes from everything that has happened over the past couple of years. I gave up some of that control and I got screwed, so now I am all about being in complete control. The problem is, when you are trying to get your life back on track, control can be a hard thing to come by. So I spent a lot of time over the summer trying to put a new plan in place for my family. A fresh start for us feels both necessary and terrifying all at once, but mostly necessary. By the end of the summer I was feeling pretty good about the plan that I had come up with but by the beginning of September the plan started to fall apart...frustrating. It frustrates me that I have this idea about what is best for my family and I can't do anything about it. The bottom line is, I don't want to live here anymore. I love my home, I love my friends, and I love having my family close, but I just don't want to be here anymore. I hate the stress that my ex puts on us and with all of the disappointments that the kids had to deal with over the summer, I know that that was just the beginning of what is to come.
This brings me to feeling overwhelmed. Oh my poor babies. It is just a constant struggle around here for them. Just when I think that maybe we are finding ourselves on solid ground, one of them proves me wrong. It is a vicious cycle. I think my ex is actually finally starting to believe me when I say that they are not okay, but I really have no time for his concern. After all, we wouldn't even be having these problems if it wasn't for him! My children are so broken and I just can't fix them. Trying to deal with these behaviors that surface in an understanding, patient, and compassionate way is hard and I see so many problems...it's overwhelming. And, have I complained about school yet?? Well, I think we all know how I feel about that. School actually isn't too bad right now, but I am sure that won't last. I will be overwhelmed with that too before I know it. I know that sounds very pessimistic of me, but...whatever. Sometimes that is just life, right??
Don't get me wrong, things aren't ALL bad. In between all of this rotten stuff, we have managed to find some fun.
We've been to the zoo...
Camping and fishing...
And apple picking...
I see these pictures and I am so grateful for the time that I have to share with my kids and the experiences that I am able to give them. I do know that things will get better. It just might take some time, maybe even more than I would like. In the meantime, I will just continue to take these deep breaths...
I can't begin to imagine the difficulty you and your children are going through. Time has a way of healing wounds, and your children have such a caring, loving, patient mother to help them get through this time in their life. As they grow older, I have no doubt they'll come to understand, appreciate, and respect all that you do for them.
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