The Life and Times (or Lack Thereof)...

Have I mentioned that I hate school?? It has been a month since I last posted. A month full of blog-worthy events that I would have loved to write about. Events that are now sitting on the shelves of my mind in the hopes that they will be written about eventually. But instead of blogging, I was studying and doing homework. For someone who hates school anyway, I think I maybe over did it this summer. I don't know what I was thinking taking three classes. I suppose it was just the visionary in me, knowing that I will be glad when it is all over. But in the meantime, I have spent the past month going insane! When I have had the opportunities to actually communicate with the outside world, this is often what I hear:

"You look tired." To which I respond, "I am."
"You sound tired." To which I respond, "I am."
"How's your summer?" To which I respond, "Is it summer yet?"

Thankfully, I have now completed two of my three summer classes. The hardest part is over and I am finally seeing a light at the end of this tunnel. Time to enjoy what little bit of the summer is left with the kids AND get back to writing! Stay tuned...

Lessons In Single Parenting...Self-Restraint

So there are a lot of learning curves that I have gone through in the the past couple of years, as I have transitioned into the role of the single parent. There are many unique challenges that come with watching the father of your children walk away from his family while he moves onto bigger and better things (or so he thinks). The thing is that while I see it for what it is, I don't think the kids do, and my goal has been to keep it that way for as long as possible. This in itself is becoming more and more difficult and I really don't know how long I will be able to continue. You see, I am a mama bear. Mess with my babies and you mess with me. So what do you do when the one messing with your babies is their own father??

Rule number one in single parenting has to be self-restraint. This includes keeping your mouth shut when all you want to do is tell your kids what you really think of Daddy's friend. It means not telling the kids what you really think of the Daddy that they cry for whenever they are upset. Sometimes it even means being nice to your ex when all you really want to do is beat the crap out of him (sorry, I'm just being honest). Fortunately, for the most part, I have found self-restraint to be something that I am really good at. I say for the most part because I think everyone must have those moments when you just can't take it anymore and you have to get that one dig in, and I have had a few of those moments.

One of the hard things about this self-restraint thing for me is that I feel like I am being dishonest with my kids. It is a fine line that I walk between doing the right thing and lying. I mean, what am I supposed to say when the kids ask me why me and Daddy aren't going to get married again? Or, do I know Daddy's friend and am I friends with her too? It is easy to give the honest answer initially, but anyone who knows kids knows that it never stops with that one question. And let's face it, my follow up answers are just not meant for children's ears! All I can do is hope that I am right; that I am doing the right thing and when the kids are old enough to understand, they will appreciate the way that I have handled everything. I hope that I am right.

Another hard thing about self-restraint for me is maintaining the ability to stand up for myself. In the beginning, I thought that self-restraint meant being quiet and keeping the peace. Avoiding confrontations. However, I have come to realize that I was wrong. Avoiding confrontations doesn't do anyone any favors. It is actually a disservice to not only me, but my kids too. As a college student studying to be a special education teacher, I spent a lot of time learning about the importance of the parent's role as an advocate for their child. I figured it was only common sense that a parent would look out for the best interest of their child. The thing is, if you are lucky as a parent then you don't have to play the advocate role very often, needing to actually fight for what is in the best interest of your child. But not all of us are that lucky and lately I feel like that is all I do, which can make for a lot of confrontations.

Today will be no different. I went to bed last night knowing that when I woke up, there would be an inevitable confrontation (which will require a lot of self-restraint) and as frustrating at it may be, I know it is what is best. My kids are worth it. Hopefully, the need for me to practice the art of self-restraint, and all that it implies, will gradually diminish. Until then, I will gladly maintain my role as Mama Bear.
_____________________Mama's Cubs____________________

Quiet Nights

My kids have never been good sleepers. Bedtime around here has always been a chore, no matter what I tried. When Quentin was a toddler we actually resorted to locking him in his room because even after three hours, he was still coming out of his room and not going to sleep. Camille still likes to get out of bed over and over again in the middle of the night, trying to sneak into my bed, and Zoe does all of the above. This has always been exhausting, but even more so now that I have been left to fight the battles alone. So when I have nights to myself, as I do tonight, I almost don't know what to do. The peace and quiet is something that I have come to both savor and resent.

I think that any single parent that you meet would tell you that while they love their children, they love the times that they are able to get a break from them just as much. I didn't really understand this when I was married. Back then, I very rarely got any kind of break and if I did, it was something as simple as a trip alone to the grocery store and that was enough for me. I couldn't understand why anyone would need an entire weekend, like many single parents get. But now I do. The difference? Companionship. It is amazing what a difference a partner makes. Having someone to share the funny moments, the not-so-funny moments, and even the exhausting moments with. I think these are the things that most parents take for granted; I know I did.

So while I enjoy getting a full night of uninterrupted sleep, the quiet evenings are stark reminders of just how lonely I am. Is this really what my life has come to? Is this what the future holds for me? Nights spent at home alone, watching movies, eating my meal for one and talking to myself (that's right, I said it, I talk to myself). I certainly hope not. I didn't get to this point in my life so that I could spend it alone. I don't want to be alone. I want someone to share these quiet nights with me. All of my well-intentioned friends and family assure me that I won't always be alone but, to be honest, that is pretty hard to imagine at this point in my life. All I can say is, "I hope they're right". Otherwise, I might have to get a dog!!

Milestones and Memories

Sometimes in the fast pace of life, we forget to stop and take notice of the milestones in our lives. It is easy to get wrapped up in our busy schedules and whatever drama might be going on and forget what our priorities really are. I am fully aware that I am guilty of this. I get consumed in the drama that is my life and all of the school work that goes with it and sometimes forget to stop and breathe. So this weekend, I pushed all of the excess aside and promised myself that I would only think about the really important stuff.

For a few weeks now, my sister and I have been planning a surprise birthday party for my dad to take place Memorial Day Weekend. We knew that it would be something totally unexpected and felt that he really deserved a day to be reminded of all the special people in his life whose lives he has touched. We have never pulled anything over on Dad before. He is one of those people who always successfully guesses what his gift is before he opens it, so to pull one over on him was very exciting for us. What a wonderful time had by everyone! It was so much fun to sit around, reminiscing on old times and getting in some good laughs. I especially enjoyed that my kids were able to be a part of it all. It was like giving them a glimpse into my past, something that always seems to intrigue them.






Once we were done with Dad's party, it was time to spend the day celebrating Quentin's birthday. Dad's party was on Saturday and Quentin's birthday was on Sunday. There were no big events on this day, we really kind of laid low for the day to recuperate from the night before! This was fine with Quentin. He never really requires much fanfare and we had already planned to go see a Royals game on Monday for his birthday, so he was planning on that. Quentin's one request for the day was that we make smores over my sister's new fire pit, so we spent the evening roasting marshmallows. Again, a great time was had by all.


Monday, it was off to the Royals game. The kids and I were joined by my sister, her daughter, and my dad and we all had a great time. Well...most of us did...Zoe was ready to leave as soon as she realized that the mascot was in the stadium!!




All in all it was a wonderful weekend full of milestones and memories, both new and old. I am so proud of myself for being able to shut out all of the other madness in my life and allow myself to really enjoy what is important in my life...family and friends. Now, it is back to the real world!

Just A Friendly Reminder...

It has been a long time since I last posted...too many thoughts and not enough organization up in this head of mine I guess. I have actually started this blog more than once, only to leave it and come back and delete everything I have written. That pretty much sums up the last few weeks for me though. For some reason I just can't motivate myself to do much. Maybe my brain just started "vacation mode" a little early or maybe I have just been so overwhelmed with everything in my life that parts of my brain are shutting down. Either one would would seem like a reasonable guess. This time of year is always a little bit crazy with school getting out and transitioning into warmer weather. This year we have added baseball to that list and boy, is that time-consuming! Unfortunately, no one seems to be adjusting too well to it all this year and it has made for short tempers and lots of time-outs in the Trotter house. I am afraid to say that I am not sure I am handling this well. I am noticing that a lot of the behaviors that I am having to deal with these days seem to be resulting from a new parenting schedule. Oddly enough, the more time my kids have to spend with their dad, the worse their behavior seems to be. This is extremely frustrating to me and when combined with my exhaustion from the kids, I don't seem to have much patience for my ex. After all, when it comes down to it, I blame him for us being in this situation. Period.

I told myself when I decided to start blogging, that I was not going to allow myself to spend all of my time bashing my ex. However, there is a time and place to air your grievances and if we are talking about my life, it would be unrealistic to think that I have nothing bad to say about him. That being said, the truth is that more exhausting that dealing with the kids, is dealing with the ex. It is a difficult thing to cope with, knowing and loving a person for 15 years and then suddenly realizing that you never really knew that person at all. I have always thought myself to be a pretty good judge of character when it comes to people, but after this experience in my life, I really have to question that. How do you spend nearly half of your life with a person, only to find out that they were never actually the person you thought they were? Was I really that blind to it all or was he really that good at hiding it?

You would think that now that the divorce has been finalized and the dust has settled, things would get easier. That was what I thought. But I am now realizing that getting easier is going to take a lot more time and a lot more work on my part. You see, there are two different personalities that struggle for the top position inside of me. One is the person who does not like conflict and does her best to avoid it and the other is the person who is going to tell you what she thinks and is not going to pretend to be anything she is not. It has not been easy, but I have worked very hard to push the non-confrontational side of myself down when it comes to my ex. I am constantly reminding myself that "you get what you pay for". If I sit back and allow him to be dishonest with me and don't say anything, then he will continue to do it and I will just continue to live with this anger inside of me and I do not want to spend the rest of my life feeling angry all the time. So, there has been conflict. But in a strange and unexpected way, this conflict brings me a great sense of empowerment. It feels great to stand up for myself and say exactly what I want to say, no holding back. But on the other hand, conflict is exhausting and if you aren't careful it can consume your life.

Which brings me to now. I think I still had so much anger building inside me that when the opportunity presented itself to me to stand up for myself, I did it...with a vengeance...more than once. While it was a great release for me, it also had me viewing the world around me in a very negative light. My overall attitude was not good and it was affecting everyone around me, namely my kids. But then something happened. I came home from class last night to find a complete stranger mowing my lawn. My very overgrown lawn that has not been mowed in over two weeks now while my mower is in the shop. When I stopped this man to find out what was going on, he simply told me that my lawn always looks so nice and he had noticed the grass getting longer and longer and figured that something must have been wrong, so he just wanted to help. Simple as that. I was both humbled and blown away by his kindness.

I know that God will never give me more than I can handle, and apparently He thinks I can handle quite a bit! The thing is, sometimes when you are in the midst of dealing with everything that life is giving you, it can be easy to forget that you are not alone in your struggles. But that is when God walks up behind you and gives you a little tap on the shoulder. Just a friendly reminder that He is still walking with you on your journey, and that reminder can come in many forms. This time is just happened to be in the form of a stranger mowing my lawn!

Can You Hear Me Now? Can You Hear Me Now??

Since beginning this new journey in my life, it would be safe to say that I have become a different person. In many ways this has been a good thing, but it also comes with its downfalls. I would be lying if I said that I wasn't bitter or angry. I am, and as hard as I try to focus on the positive things in my life and all that I have been blessed with, I still have my fair share of meltdowns. Although they are not nearly as frequent as they once were, they do still occur.

When I am surrounded by the sounds of crying and fighting children in my house and I find myself losing my temper with them, I get angry. All I ever wanted in my life was to have a family and be a stay-at-home mom and until a couple of years ago, that was something that I was able to do and it brought me great joy. But after my husband left, he took a lot of that joy with him. What I was left with was an overwhelming amount of stress and as a consequence, I don't find myself enjoying staying at home the way I used to. More than anything, this makes me sad because I am painfully aware that my children are the ones who are most affected by this.

On top of my anger, is the bitterness that I feel about the fact that I can no longer stay at home with my kids the way I wanted to. I have headed back to school as a means to prolong my return to work, but that has mostly just added to my stress level. I have never liked school and have never hesitated to let it be known that I am not happy about being in school now. It is a simple case of me doing whatever I have to so that I can give my kids what I believe that they deserve. I have gradually come to terms with this and I do recognize that it is for the best (I have always been pretty good at seeing the big picture), but that doesn't mean I like it!

These are probably my two big trigger points when it comes to my occasional meltdowns, but the blanket that rests above all of it is my sense of loneliness. There is not a day that goes by that I don't miss having someone to share my everyday with. It is not that I am missing my husband particularly (although sometimes I do miss the person he once was), I just miss having someone. Parenthood is a little less stressful and much more fun when you have someone to share it with. Tonight I was reminded of this as I sat in my living room and sobbed over my children's' lack of concern for me. After explaining to the kids that I needed help finding something that was very important to me, all they could manage was the defensive "it wasn't me". Of course, I understand that they are children and it is in their young nature to be somewhat self-centered. They are kids, it isn't their job to be concerned about my lost things. And with that understanding in my mind, all I could do was cry. I just want someone to hear me and to be concerned for me. My world can be crashing down around me and my kids won't have a clue, because that is how it should be. I have very intentionally made it that way. But that doesn't mean that I don't wish that just someone might notice. I really do feel like that Verizon guy,you know the one..."Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now?"

Surviving in Style

This time last year, my life was in shambles. I was struggling just to get through the day as my marriage and my life as I knew it unraveled around me. The one person who I loved and trusted more than anything, turned out to be someone that I didn't know at all. It was my birthday and I was trapped in self-pity and wondering how I would ever make it through this time in my life. My ex was always a very good gift giver and never forgot an occasion, which made that first birthday without him around, without even acknowledging my birthday at all, a difficult one. So, my wish as I blew out my candles last year seemed like a no-brainer...to survive.

Fast forward one year and I did it, I survived! I not only made it through all of the turmoil, but I came out on the other side a stronger person. This doesn't mean that my birthday this year came without my own personal pity party, but it was better. Every year gets a little bit better and I tell myself that if that's true, then eventually my "new" normal will simply be my normal. The truth is, I like my new normal. Like I said, I am a stronger person and I really feel good about that. Maybe that strength is something that has always been there, but it has taken this adversity in my life for me to recognize it. I have a greater appreciation for the loved ones that surround me in my life and the bonds that have grown stronger over this past year. Life really is better in a lot of ways.

Suddenly, celebrating a birthday has taken on a whole new meaning. It is not about the number or even the cake, it is about life and how you live it. We should celebrate the fact that we have lived the last year of our life to the fullest and have made the best out of whatever life has handed us along the way. We should celebrate the fact that we have lived to see another birthday...that we survived. Not only that, but we survived in style.