Just A Friendly Reminder...

It has been a long time since I last posted...too many thoughts and not enough organization up in this head of mine I guess. I have actually started this blog more than once, only to leave it and come back and delete everything I have written. That pretty much sums up the last few weeks for me though. For some reason I just can't motivate myself to do much. Maybe my brain just started "vacation mode" a little early or maybe I have just been so overwhelmed with everything in my life that parts of my brain are shutting down. Either one would would seem like a reasonable guess. This time of year is always a little bit crazy with school getting out and transitioning into warmer weather. This year we have added baseball to that list and boy, is that time-consuming! Unfortunately, no one seems to be adjusting too well to it all this year and it has made for short tempers and lots of time-outs in the Trotter house. I am afraid to say that I am not sure I am handling this well. I am noticing that a lot of the behaviors that I am having to deal with these days seem to be resulting from a new parenting schedule. Oddly enough, the more time my kids have to spend with their dad, the worse their behavior seems to be. This is extremely frustrating to me and when combined with my exhaustion from the kids, I don't seem to have much patience for my ex. After all, when it comes down to it, I blame him for us being in this situation. Period.

I told myself when I decided to start blogging, that I was not going to allow myself to spend all of my time bashing my ex. However, there is a time and place to air your grievances and if we are talking about my life, it would be unrealistic to think that I have nothing bad to say about him. That being said, the truth is that more exhausting that dealing with the kids, is dealing with the ex. It is a difficult thing to cope with, knowing and loving a person for 15 years and then suddenly realizing that you never really knew that person at all. I have always thought myself to be a pretty good judge of character when it comes to people, but after this experience in my life, I really have to question that. How do you spend nearly half of your life with a person, only to find out that they were never actually the person you thought they were? Was I really that blind to it all or was he really that good at hiding it?

You would think that now that the divorce has been finalized and the dust has settled, things would get easier. That was what I thought. But I am now realizing that getting easier is going to take a lot more time and a lot more work on my part. You see, there are two different personalities that struggle for the top position inside of me. One is the person who does not like conflict and does her best to avoid it and the other is the person who is going to tell you what she thinks and is not going to pretend to be anything she is not. It has not been easy, but I have worked very hard to push the non-confrontational side of myself down when it comes to my ex. I am constantly reminding myself that "you get what you pay for". If I sit back and allow him to be dishonest with me and don't say anything, then he will continue to do it and I will just continue to live with this anger inside of me and I do not want to spend the rest of my life feeling angry all the time. So, there has been conflict. But in a strange and unexpected way, this conflict brings me a great sense of empowerment. It feels great to stand up for myself and say exactly what I want to say, no holding back. But on the other hand, conflict is exhausting and if you aren't careful it can consume your life.

Which brings me to now. I think I still had so much anger building inside me that when the opportunity presented itself to me to stand up for myself, I did it...with a vengeance...more than once. While it was a great release for me, it also had me viewing the world around me in a very negative light. My overall attitude was not good and it was affecting everyone around me, namely my kids. But then something happened. I came home from class last night to find a complete stranger mowing my lawn. My very overgrown lawn that has not been mowed in over two weeks now while my mower is in the shop. When I stopped this man to find out what was going on, he simply told me that my lawn always looks so nice and he had noticed the grass getting longer and longer and figured that something must have been wrong, so he just wanted to help. Simple as that. I was both humbled and blown away by his kindness.

I know that God will never give me more than I can handle, and apparently He thinks I can handle quite a bit! The thing is, sometimes when you are in the midst of dealing with everything that life is giving you, it can be easy to forget that you are not alone in your struggles. But that is when God walks up behind you and gives you a little tap on the shoulder. Just a friendly reminder that He is still walking with you on your journey, and that reminder can come in many forms. This time is just happened to be in the form of a stranger mowing my lawn!

Can You Hear Me Now? Can You Hear Me Now??

Since beginning this new journey in my life, it would be safe to say that I have become a different person. In many ways this has been a good thing, but it also comes with its downfalls. I would be lying if I said that I wasn't bitter or angry. I am, and as hard as I try to focus on the positive things in my life and all that I have been blessed with, I still have my fair share of meltdowns. Although they are not nearly as frequent as they once were, they do still occur.

When I am surrounded by the sounds of crying and fighting children in my house and I find myself losing my temper with them, I get angry. All I ever wanted in my life was to have a family and be a stay-at-home mom and until a couple of years ago, that was something that I was able to do and it brought me great joy. But after my husband left, he took a lot of that joy with him. What I was left with was an overwhelming amount of stress and as a consequence, I don't find myself enjoying staying at home the way I used to. More than anything, this makes me sad because I am painfully aware that my children are the ones who are most affected by this.

On top of my anger, is the bitterness that I feel about the fact that I can no longer stay at home with my kids the way I wanted to. I have headed back to school as a means to prolong my return to work, but that has mostly just added to my stress level. I have never liked school and have never hesitated to let it be known that I am not happy about being in school now. It is a simple case of me doing whatever I have to so that I can give my kids what I believe that they deserve. I have gradually come to terms with this and I do recognize that it is for the best (I have always been pretty good at seeing the big picture), but that doesn't mean I like it!

These are probably my two big trigger points when it comes to my occasional meltdowns, but the blanket that rests above all of it is my sense of loneliness. There is not a day that goes by that I don't miss having someone to share my everyday with. It is not that I am missing my husband particularly (although sometimes I do miss the person he once was), I just miss having someone. Parenthood is a little less stressful and much more fun when you have someone to share it with. Tonight I was reminded of this as I sat in my living room and sobbed over my children's' lack of concern for me. After explaining to the kids that I needed help finding something that was very important to me, all they could manage was the defensive "it wasn't me". Of course, I understand that they are children and it is in their young nature to be somewhat self-centered. They are kids, it isn't their job to be concerned about my lost things. And with that understanding in my mind, all I could do was cry. I just want someone to hear me and to be concerned for me. My world can be crashing down around me and my kids won't have a clue, because that is how it should be. I have very intentionally made it that way. But that doesn't mean that I don't wish that just someone might notice. I really do feel like that Verizon guy,you know the one..."Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now?"

Surviving in Style

This time last year, my life was in shambles. I was struggling just to get through the day as my marriage and my life as I knew it unraveled around me. The one person who I loved and trusted more than anything, turned out to be someone that I didn't know at all. It was my birthday and I was trapped in self-pity and wondering how I would ever make it through this time in my life. My ex was always a very good gift giver and never forgot an occasion, which made that first birthday without him around, without even acknowledging my birthday at all, a difficult one. So, my wish as I blew out my candles last year seemed like a no-brainer...to survive.

Fast forward one year and I did it, I survived! I not only made it through all of the turmoil, but I came out on the other side a stronger person. This doesn't mean that my birthday this year came without my own personal pity party, but it was better. Every year gets a little bit better and I tell myself that if that's true, then eventually my "new" normal will simply be my normal. The truth is, I like my new normal. Like I said, I am a stronger person and I really feel good about that. Maybe that strength is something that has always been there, but it has taken this adversity in my life for me to recognize it. I have a greater appreciation for the loved ones that surround me in my life and the bonds that have grown stronger over this past year. Life really is better in a lot of ways.

Suddenly, celebrating a birthday has taken on a whole new meaning. It is not about the number or even the cake, it is about life and how you live it. We should celebrate the fact that we have lived the last year of our life to the fullest and have made the best out of whatever life has handed us along the way. We should celebrate the fact that we have lived to see another birthday...that we survived. Not only that, but we survived in style.