TUTUS!!!!

I have been so busy. Over the past month, my PTA duties have kicked into full gear and now school has finally caught up with me, which I knew that it would, and I have been trying to keep up with all of the different assignments. More and more, I feel like the information of value that I am getting from these graduate courses is at a minimum. For the most part they are just a lot of busy work. Yes, there are a few exceptions to this statement but for the most part, that is just the way it is. Between school and the other frustrations in my life (yes, I am still struggling with that), I have just felt like I am in this terrible funk that I can't seem to pull myself out of. I am stressed, tired all the time, and probably pretty miserable to be around. I realize that I have not had a lot of time for myself lately and certainly haven't had any time to do something fun for me, which probably has a lot to do with my current mood. So I decided that maybe I needed to get my creative juices flowing and do something that I could have fun doing. In an ideal world, I would have all kinds of time and money available to do the crafty and creative things that I really enjoy doing, but the reality is that my scrapbooking room has been collecting dust for the past year and a half. It's depressing.

The girls informed me about a month ago that they wanted to be bumble bees for Halloween and so, with the thought of trying to save some money, I started looking online for costume ideas. Low and behold, I stumbled across a super cute picture of a little girl in a tutu and dressed as a bumble bee. Having seen some handmade tutus recently, I immediately thought this might be something that I could actually do...and boy, was I right!!! I have had so much fun figuring out how to make these tutus and accessorize them and now have tons more ideas for future tutus. This has been a great release for me and the best part is, the girls LOVE them!

My Sweet Girl

If I have said it once, I have said it a million times. My kids have NOT handled this divorce well. I don't think that there is ever anything that could have possibly prepared them for what our life has become, just as nothing could have prepared me. And although I do everything I possibly can to make all of this easier for them, it just seems that it will never be enough. So, everyday I worry. I think about how all of this will affect each of them as they grow into adulthood. I wonder about the things that I might be doing wrong. I see them struggling and I ask myself when this will ever get better.

When Camille was born, she gave me the most wonderful gift that I have ever received. Something that I had ached for since having Quentin a year and a half before. You see, after all of the waiting during my labor with Quentin, my doctor inevitably decided that the best thing to do was to have a cesarean section. At that moment, everything was happening so fast that all we cared about was making sure our baby was okay. I never had time to think about what was about to happen. A mother spends nine months nurturing and loving this baby inside of her, preparing for childbirth and all of the wonderful emotions that go along with it. In an instant that was all taken away and once it was over, I was sad. I wasn't the first person to hold my baby. I didn't get to spend his first moments bonding with him. I wasn't even there when my family met my first born child; their first grandchild and nephew. Everyone was there but me. But on that cold and snowy day in March (that's New York for you), Camille came into our lives with complete grace and my birth experience exceeded my expectations. It was the most intimate of experiences with only my husband, mom, doctor and nurse in the room. The room was quiet and dark, with only a small light for the doctor to see, and within five minutes Camille was born. She was instantly placed on my chest and before they took her away to get her all cleaned up, the doctor and nurse left the room to give us some time alone. It was so special and I will never forget that gift that she gave me. I will never forget laying in that dark and quiet room, holding my baby girl for the first time.

Camille was talked about throughout the hospital as "the baby with the hair". The girl was born with a full head of it...so much that it really looked almost like a toupee. Nurses would come by my room just to see her. She was as beautiful then as she is now. I love telling Camille these stories now because she is a shy little girl who seems to be somewhat insecure about herself, but when I tell her about the day she was born her whole face lights up. And when I tell her about how everyone came to see the prettiest baby in the hospital, she giggles. I love Camille's giggle and the way that she scrunches her nose up when she does it.

Unfortunately, Camille doesn't giggle as much as she used to anymore. Over the past couple of months I have noticed her giggle fading away. She has always been an extremely emotional child and for that reason alone I have worried about the effects that her father leaving would have on her. Temper tantrums, hitting, and crying were things that Camille did very well as a toddler. But now it's different. Camille cries. She cries about everything (or at least that's what it feels like these days)and she has started to withdraw at home. I have noticed her laying around the house more, sometimes on the couch or sometimes even going up to her room and just laying in her bed. There are other things too, details that I won't completely go into, but definite causes for concern. So I worry...more. On top of that, I get angry. What has my ex done to our baby girl? I just want her to be better. I want her to be happy. I want her to giggle.

It's an overwhelming thought, the idea that my ability or inability to handle these problems now will undoubtedly mold Camille into the woman that she will become and effect future relationships that she will have in her life. I can't screw this up! So we have started our journey to wellness. The first stop was the family physician, where we checked everything out to make sure that there were no medical causes for the problems that she is having. The physician sent us on for an xray and then also referred us to a GI doctor in Kansas City (I guess I should mention that she has been having accidents). Along with this, she also referred us to a psychologist. So far we haven't found anything major. The doctor's office found nothing unusual in her blood work, but the xray did show that she is completely backed up. It does feel good to have a little something to go on I guess. So now we will wait for the rest of these appointments and in the meantime I will continue my search for a good therapist for her. This is going to be a real journey, but if it ends in a happy place and helps my sweet girl get her giggle back then you will not hear me complain.

There's that giggle...

She's always marched to the beat of her own drummer...

And if I ever get her to stop sucking her fingers, it will be a miracle...

Deep Breaths...

I am frustrated...and living a life of frustration is exhausting. Add to that the fact that I have been feeling overwhelmed...this is exhausting too. Bottom line, I guess, would be that I am exhausted. Yep, I would say that that pretty accurately sums it all up for me.

So, why am I frustrated? Well, I would have blogged about it sooner, but I just haven't even had the time to sit and blog...frustrating!! There are so many things that I have been feeling frustrated about over the past month. Things just don't seem to be going my way and that frustrates me. I am a planner; if I don't have a plan, then I feel like I don't have control. And these days, I feel this serious need to be in control. I think that comes from everything that has happened over the past couple of years. I gave up some of that control and I got screwed, so now I am all about being in complete control. The problem is, when you are trying to get your life back on track, control can be a hard thing to come by. So I spent a lot of time over the summer trying to put a new plan in place for my family. A fresh start for us feels both necessary and terrifying all at once, but mostly necessary. By the end of the summer I was feeling pretty good about the plan that I had come up with but by the beginning of September the plan started to fall apart...frustrating. It frustrates me that I have this idea about what is best for my family and I can't do anything about it. The bottom line is, I don't want to live here anymore. I love my home, I love my friends, and I love having my family close, but I just don't want to be here anymore. I hate the stress that my ex puts on us and with all of the disappointments that the kids had to deal with over the summer, I know that that was just the beginning of what is to come.

This brings me to feeling overwhelmed. Oh my poor babies. It is just a constant struggle around here for them. Just when I think that maybe we are finding ourselves on solid ground, one of them proves me wrong. It is a vicious cycle. I think my ex is actually finally starting to believe me when I say that they are not okay, but I really have no time for his concern. After all, we wouldn't even be having these problems if it wasn't for him! My children are so broken and I just can't fix them. Trying to deal with these behaviors that surface in an understanding, patient, and compassionate way is hard and I see so many problems...it's overwhelming. And, have I complained about school yet?? Well, I think we all know how I feel about that. School actually isn't too bad right now, but I am sure that won't last. I will be overwhelmed with that too before I know it. I know that sounds very pessimistic of me, but...whatever. Sometimes that is just life, right??

Don't get me wrong, things aren't ALL bad. In between all of this rotten stuff, we have managed to find some fun.
We've been to the zoo...

Camping and fishing...

And apple picking...


I see these pictures and I am so grateful for the time that I have to share with my kids and the experiences that I am able to give them. I do know that things will get better. It just might take some time, maybe even more than I would like. In the meantime, I will just continue to take these deep breaths...