Dead End: My Sweet Girl

If I have said it once, I have said it a million times. My kids have NOT handled this divorce well. I don't think that there is ever anything that could have possibly prepared them for what our life has become, just as nothing could have prepared me. And although I do everything I possibly can to make all of this easier for them, it just seems that it will never be enough. So, everyday I worry. I think about how all of this will affect each of them as they grow into adulthood. I wonder about the things that I might be doing wrong. I see them struggling and I ask myself when this will ever get better.

When Camille was born, she gave me the most wonderful gift that I have ever received. Something that I had ached for since having Quentin a year and a half before. You see, after all of the waiting during my labor with Quentin, my doctor inevitably decided that the best thing to do was to have a cesarean section. At that moment, everything was happening so fast that all we cared about was making sure our baby was okay. I never had time to think about what was about to happen. A mother spends nine months nurturing and loving this baby inside of her, preparing for childbirth and all of the wonderful emotions that go along with it. In an instant that was all taken away and once it was over, I was sad. I wasn't the first person to hold my baby. I didn't get to spend his first moments bonding with him. I wasn't even there when my family met my first born child; their first grandchild and nephew. Everyone was there but me. But on that cold and snowy day in March (that's New York for you), Camille came into our lives with complete grace and my birth experience exceeded my expectations. It was the most intimate of experiences with only my husband, mom, doctor and nurse in the room. The room was quiet and dark, with only a small light for the doctor to see, and within five minutes Camille was born. She was instantly placed on my chest and before they took her away to get her all cleaned up, the doctor and nurse left the room to give us some time alone. It was so special and I will never forget that gift that she gave me. I will never forget laying in that dark and quiet room, holding my baby girl for the first time.

Camille was talked about throughout the hospital as "the baby with the hair". The girl was born with a full head of it...so much that it really looked almost like a toupee. Nurses would come by my room just to see her. She was as beautiful then as she is now. I love telling Camille these stories now because she is a shy little girl who seems to be somewhat insecure about herself, but when I tell her about the day she was born her whole face lights up. And when I tell her about how everyone came to see the prettiest baby in the hospital, she giggles. I love Camille's giggle and the way that she scrunches her nose up when she does it.

Unfortunately, Camille doesn't giggle as much as she used to anymore. Over the past couple of months I have noticed her giggle fading away. She has always been an extremely emotional child and for that reason alone I have worried about the effects that her father leaving would have on her. Temper tantrums, hitting, and crying were things that Camille did very well as a toddler. But now it's different. Camille cries. She cries about everything (or at least that's what it feels like these days)and she has started to withdraw at home. I have noticed her laying around the house more, sometimes on the couch or sometimes even going up to her room and just laying in her bed. There are other things too, details that I won't completely go into, but definite causes for concern. So I worry...more. On top of that, I get angry. What has my ex done to our baby girl? I just want her to be better. I want her to be happy. I want her to giggle.

It's an overwhelming thought, the idea that my ability or inability to handle these problems now will undoubtedly mold Camille into the woman that she will become and effect future relationships that she will have in her life. I can't screw this up! So we have started our journey to wellness. The first stop was the family physician, where we checked everything out to make sure that there were no medical causes for the problems that she is having. The physician sent us on for an xray and then also referred us to a GI doctor in Kansas City (I guess I should mention that she has been having accidents). Along with this, she also referred us to a psychologist. So far we haven't found anything major. The doctor's office found nothing unusual in her blood work, but the xray did show that she is completely backed up. It does feel good to have a little something to go on I guess. So now we will wait for the rest of these appointments and in the meantime I will continue my search for a good therapist for her. This is going to be a real journey, but if it ends in a happy place and helps my sweet girl get her giggle back then you will not hear me complain.

There's that giggle...