Lessons In Single Parenting...Self-Restraint

So there are a lot of learning curves that I have gone through in the the past couple of years, as I have transitioned into the role of the single parent. There are many unique challenges that come with watching the father of your children walk away from his family while he moves onto bigger and better things (or so he thinks). The thing is that while I see it for what it is, I don't think the kids do, and my goal has been to keep it that way for as long as possible. This in itself is becoming more and more difficult and I really don't know how long I will be able to continue. You see, I am a mama bear. Mess with my babies and you mess with me. So what do you do when the one messing with your babies is their own father??

Rule number one in single parenting has to be self-restraint. This includes keeping your mouth shut when all you want to do is tell your kids what you really think of Daddy's friend. It means not telling the kids what you really think of the Daddy that they cry for whenever they are upset. Sometimes it even means being nice to your ex when all you really want to do is beat the crap out of him (sorry, I'm just being honest). Fortunately, for the most part, I have found self-restraint to be something that I am really good at. I say for the most part because I think everyone must have those moments when you just can't take it anymore and you have to get that one dig in, and I have had a few of those moments.

One of the hard things about this self-restraint thing for me is that I feel like I am being dishonest with my kids. It is a fine line that I walk between doing the right thing and lying. I mean, what am I supposed to say when the kids ask me why me and Daddy aren't going to get married again? Or, do I know Daddy's friend and am I friends with her too? It is easy to give the honest answer initially, but anyone who knows kids knows that it never stops with that one question. And let's face it, my follow up answers are just not meant for children's ears! All I can do is hope that I am right; that I am doing the right thing and when the kids are old enough to understand, they will appreciate the way that I have handled everything. I hope that I am right.

Another hard thing about self-restraint for me is maintaining the ability to stand up for myself. In the beginning, I thought that self-restraint meant being quiet and keeping the peace. Avoiding confrontations. However, I have come to realize that I was wrong. Avoiding confrontations doesn't do anyone any favors. It is actually a disservice to not only me, but my kids too. As a college student studying to be a special education teacher, I spent a lot of time learning about the importance of the parent's role as an advocate for their child. I figured it was only common sense that a parent would look out for the best interest of their child. The thing is, if you are lucky as a parent then you don't have to play the advocate role very often, needing to actually fight for what is in the best interest of your child. But not all of us are that lucky and lately I feel like that is all I do, which can make for a lot of confrontations.

Today will be no different. I went to bed last night knowing that when I woke up, there would be an inevitable confrontation (which will require a lot of self-restraint) and as frustrating at it may be, I know it is what is best. My kids are worth it. Hopefully, the need for me to practice the art of self-restraint, and all that it implies, will gradually diminish. Until then, I will gladly maintain my role as Mama Bear.
_____________________Mama's Cubs____________________

Quiet Nights

My kids have never been good sleepers. Bedtime around here has always been a chore, no matter what I tried. When Quentin was a toddler we actually resorted to locking him in his room because even after three hours, he was still coming out of his room and not going to sleep. Camille still likes to get out of bed over and over again in the middle of the night, trying to sneak into my bed, and Zoe does all of the above. This has always been exhausting, but even more so now that I have been left to fight the battles alone. So when I have nights to myself, as I do tonight, I almost don't know what to do. The peace and quiet is something that I have come to both savor and resent.

I think that any single parent that you meet would tell you that while they love their children, they love the times that they are able to get a break from them just as much. I didn't really understand this when I was married. Back then, I very rarely got any kind of break and if I did, it was something as simple as a trip alone to the grocery store and that was enough for me. I couldn't understand why anyone would need an entire weekend, like many single parents get. But now I do. The difference? Companionship. It is amazing what a difference a partner makes. Having someone to share the funny moments, the not-so-funny moments, and even the exhausting moments with. I think these are the things that most parents take for granted; I know I did.

So while I enjoy getting a full night of uninterrupted sleep, the quiet evenings are stark reminders of just how lonely I am. Is this really what my life has come to? Is this what the future holds for me? Nights spent at home alone, watching movies, eating my meal for one and talking to myself (that's right, I said it, I talk to myself). I certainly hope not. I didn't get to this point in my life so that I could spend it alone. I don't want to be alone. I want someone to share these quiet nights with me. All of my well-intentioned friends and family assure me that I won't always be alone but, to be honest, that is pretty hard to imagine at this point in my life. All I can say is, "I hope they're right". Otherwise, I might have to get a dog!!

Milestones and Memories

Sometimes in the fast pace of life, we forget to stop and take notice of the milestones in our lives. It is easy to get wrapped up in our busy schedules and whatever drama might be going on and forget what our priorities really are. I am fully aware that I am guilty of this. I get consumed in the drama that is my life and all of the school work that goes with it and sometimes forget to stop and breathe. So this weekend, I pushed all of the excess aside and promised myself that I would only think about the really important stuff.

For a few weeks now, my sister and I have been planning a surprise birthday party for my dad to take place Memorial Day Weekend. We knew that it would be something totally unexpected and felt that he really deserved a day to be reminded of all the special people in his life whose lives he has touched. We have never pulled anything over on Dad before. He is one of those people who always successfully guesses what his gift is before he opens it, so to pull one over on him was very exciting for us. What a wonderful time had by everyone! It was so much fun to sit around, reminiscing on old times and getting in some good laughs. I especially enjoyed that my kids were able to be a part of it all. It was like giving them a glimpse into my past, something that always seems to intrigue them.






Once we were done with Dad's party, it was time to spend the day celebrating Quentin's birthday. Dad's party was on Saturday and Quentin's birthday was on Sunday. There were no big events on this day, we really kind of laid low for the day to recuperate from the night before! This was fine with Quentin. He never really requires much fanfare and we had already planned to go see a Royals game on Monday for his birthday, so he was planning on that. Quentin's one request for the day was that we make smores over my sister's new fire pit, so we spent the evening roasting marshmallows. Again, a great time was had by all.


Monday, it was off to the Royals game. The kids and I were joined by my sister, her daughter, and my dad and we all had a great time. Well...most of us did...Zoe was ready to leave as soon as she realized that the mascot was in the stadium!!




All in all it was a wonderful weekend full of milestones and memories, both new and old. I am so proud of myself for being able to shut out all of the other madness in my life and allow myself to really enjoy what is important in my life...family and friends. Now, it is back to the real world!