NO VACANCY

I’m not exactly sure what it is about this time of year.  It might be that it marks the anniversary of when I was married (one of the happier times of my life), or that it marks the anniversary of the exhausting period of time when I had to dig my feet in and literally fight for my marriage (one of the worst times of my life).  It might have something to do with the fact that this is a time when, inevitably, I help my children to cope with some disappointment brought on by their dad.  Or it may just be the simple fact that I go to ball game after ball game and cheer for my kids alone, while their dad has the luxury of sharing that experience with someone.  Whatever it is, I seem to do a lot of looking back in the rear view mirror during these summer months and thinking about the “what-ifs” of my life.  What-ifs can be pretty depressing, so I do try to minimize them as much as possible.  But, everyone needs a little pity-party once in a while…right?!

Ten years ago, I remember being in the hospital room with my husband holding our first-born son.  In the quiet of that moment, I remember telling him that we could have no regrets after that moment because without those regrets we wouldn’t have had that precious baby.  He cried when I told him that, and looking back now, I am sure it had something to do with the amount of guilt and regret that weighed so heavily on his heart that he was too afraid to share with me.  But since that day, I have held to the belief that life should be lived without regret.  That everything in our life happens for a reason, the good and the bad.  The good things are great, but the bad things are life’s lessons that make us into the person that we are becoming.  I don’t know for sure where this thought came from or when I started believing it, but I think it probably comes from an underlying faith that I have always had.  I have never considered myself to be a religious person (whatever that means), but I think that I have always been a woman of faith.  I grew up going to church and being involved in the church all through school, but when I went away to college that all ended.  My ex did not and would not go to church with me and, for some reason, I just could not bring myself to go alone…so I didn’t.  When he left us, I felt lost and alone and found myself crying and praying a lot.  Although it was something that I hadn’t done in a very long time, my prayers came easily and brought me comfort.  They brought me back to where I needed to be.  In all of my despair, I knew that He was listening and that he loved me.

Over the past year, I have thought a lot about this idea of living without regret.  I have found a sense of peace in knowing that God has a plan for me, and this is all part of it.  Do I like this plan?  Not all the time, no.  It is hard to like something that leaves you with heartbroken kids and feeling alone.  But, I believe that in the grand scheme of things, He has something much better in store for me than anything that I have experienced so far.  I don’t know that I would be able to throw up the “no vacancy” sign to regret so easily if it weren’t for my children and for that, I will always be grateful to my ex.  What-ifs…yep, they are gonna be there.  But there is no room for regrets here.  I will never regret anything that got me to where I am today and I know, as I continue to travel forward, that I can only regret what I do not do.

 

When Is It REALLY Important...Really??

Well, it’s that time of year. The end of the school year means so much to so many people. For some parents it is a time of dread, because what will they do now that their kids are going to be home all day? Other parents look forward to the extra time that they will have to spend with the kids and make plans to keep everyone entertained during the summer months. For many it is a time to commemorate, and these days it seems that not much goes without ceremony. Remember when you used to say that you were going to so-and-so’s graduation and everyone just knew exactly what you were talking about? Obviously high school, right?! But now there are preschool graduations, kindergarten graduations, sixth grade graduations, and the list seems to go on and on. Honestly, I find it all to be just a bit ridiculous. Don’t get me wrong, I have shared in each of my child’s excitement as they walked across the “stage” for their preschool graduation and even shed a tear or two at the time. But if I am being honest, I just don’t see the point. Everything before high school is expected…by law…so what is it that we are celebrating?? That they accomplished something that they were SUPPOSED TO accomplish?? It’s like the parent that brags about the fact that they take care of and provide for their kids…isn’t that what you are supposed to do??? Last time I checked, that was just part of being a parent. Just like completing preschool and 6th grade was part of being a kid. I just think that it is hard to teach your kids the significance of such accomplishments

as graduating high school or college when they have graduated from something every year since preschool!

I have been thinking about this over the past few days, as the kids and I prepare to go visit family this weekend and celebrate a high school graduation and then do the same thing in Minnesota the following weekend. Wondering if my own kids really understand the significance, then reflecting on what was happening in our lives a year ago and realizing that I think they actually do understand. Last year, at this time, I was completely absorbed in school (and we all know how I felt about that). I was finishing up my last few classes and trying to meet a deadline on my final research paper for my master’s degree. The kids were thrown on the back-burner and they worked very hard to make sure I knew how they felt about it. I don’t know how many times I had to apologize and try to explain that things were only temporary and that once I was done with school and working, we would be able to enjoy our summers together. But it didn’t stop the complaints from coming in…”You never have time for us anymore. You just play on your computer all day.” Or, “We never get to do anything fun.” It’s not easy to hear your kids tell you that they would rather be with their dad because “at least he will play with us”. But it was a means to an end and I tried to keep my eyes on the bigger picture.

My kids were there to watch me walk across the stage to receive my master’s degree and they were smiling and waving at me as I did. They were proud of me and I felt an enormous sense of accomplishment. Not only because I graduated, but because I had shown my children that you can do anything that you put your mind to. I hope that now they know what it means to work hard for something and make sacrifices and that they are recognizing how it can pay off in the end. More and more, as I look around and see what my life is becoming, I feel this sense of amazement and know that only God could have created this plan for me. Without the divorce, I am sure that I would have never gone back to school. Never been able to see the looks on Quentin’s, Camille’s, and Zoe’s face as they watched their mommy graduate from college…again. And never been able to demonstrate for them the value of an education, of what it means to work hard, to sacrifice, and to truly understand the significance of an accomplishment such as graduating. Telling them about it and showing them are two different things, and I believe their lives will be better for having seen it.

I guess this time of year, for me, is really a time to reflect. To see how far we have come and to look ahead at the endless possibilities in front of us and know that anything is possible. Although reflecting is sometimes a painful thing to do, I think it makes the looking ahead part that much better. I have been looking forward to this summer since the last one ended! Eager to spend my days at home with the kids, taking trips and going to the park and going swimming, rather than “playing” on my computer (because writing a research paper and doing homework was so much fun). I am determined to make sure that the kids see how hard work really does pay off.

In And Out

It has been so long since I have put my thoughts and feelings and life into words, and I must say that I have missed it terribly. This whole writing thing truly is my therapy. It’s the one thing that seems to soothe my soul when I can’t seem to find any peace in my thoughts. I have spent much of this time away moving in and out of new experiences in my life, on the road to wherever I am supposed to be going (and only God knows where that is).

 Over the past year and a half I have found myself in and out of school, love, loneliness, and my comfort zone. I have done my best to break down the walls that I have inevitably built up around myself during the collapse of my marriage. I didn’t realize just how big those walls were until I actually found love again. To open myself up to being completely vulnerable and trusting someone again was a lot harder than I had ever expected it to be. In the end I was disappointed and hurt all over again, but with that glimpse of possibility came hope. Hope that there is someone out there who will want to share this life with me and will love me through my walls, for all of my flaws, and will want to be a part of this family with me. I have tried to step out of the box, leave my comfort zone, and feel more than think (which has never been a strong suite for me). So much of my life has been spent trying to do the right thing. But I am starting to think that maybe life isn’t just about doing the right thing. Maybe sometimes you need to do what feels good and not worry so much about whether or not it is right. I think that is what people call “taking chances” and I can’t say that I have ever been much of a risk-taker. It’s a scary thing, taking chances, but it’s kinda fun too…and I could use a little fun!

 More than anything, I have tried to forgive and move on and appreciate all of the wonderful things about my life instead of dwelling on the stuff that I really have no control over. I have embraced my strength and have become confident in myself in a way that I have never been before. My own strength and resilience amazes me. The truth is, it was always there. I just never took the time to recognize it or to put it to good use. I believe it is something that is in all of us. It is our God given gift. People say to me all the time that they don’t know how I do it; how I survived my divorce and continue to help my children through it, how I went to school and got my masters degree as a single mother of three, or even simply how I work full time as a single parent with three young children. The answer is simple. I do it because I have no other choice and I do it the best that I can. It’s not always pretty, but I get it done. A lot of people do. Millions of women do what I do every day. That doesn’t make me any less strong or resilient; it just means that I’m not alone. But then again, I already knew that. I am never really alone. For as lonely as I may feel, I am surrounded by people who love and support me. I always have been and know I always will be.

I look forward to catching up and sharing some of the ins and outs of my journey over the past year and a half. Let’s just say I was stuck in traffic…I think it is time to take the next exit and get moving again!